she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
