Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
