His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I have so many feelings about this burrito
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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