At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
