When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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