the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I met the friendliest cop last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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