I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
