I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
