You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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