I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
