We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
