there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
