Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize