my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
