I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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