At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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