im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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