Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize