He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
