Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
