I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
