Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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