make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
