I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
