You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
