I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
