I faked an abortion last night.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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