puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
