I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
