I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
