did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
