made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
