John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
