my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
