im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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