Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
