I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
