Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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