can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
