God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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