if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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