phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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