When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
