I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize