My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
