When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
