So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
bring money and cleavage
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
