Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Screwed.edu
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize