Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
