The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
