Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
