dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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