Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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