Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
