i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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