Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
