I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
