I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
