Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
