I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
