I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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