I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
