I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
