I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
