You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
