I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
