i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
