My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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