Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
