You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
